14 weeks!

Happy 14weeks!

Well to me and the twins anyway :)

I'm officially in 2nd trimester! WOOT WOOT!

I'm feeling a bit better. Still got medicine in case I get sick. Still taking naps.

The bump has set in too! It's not too big, but it's enough for me to not fit in other clothes anymore.

Currently I'm working with 4 dresses. Perhaps I need to shop?

I got a little doppler to hear their heartbeats when I want. Little did I know they are SOOOO deep and hard to get to!  I've heard one here and there. I think they move around too much. I think I can hear it maybe 10 seconds and then off they go.

I'm starting to have a little tailbone pain when I sit too long... perhaps where the are at right now is affecting my tailbone? I'm not sure yet.

But I'll be into the doc on Monday for a check up to see whats going on with them.

No ultrasound- that's coming up in a couple weeks! We get to see what they are :)

Yep, that's right- we plan to find out!

I managed to start registration. I got the cribs, and dressers picked out. The Carseats and Stroller (S)

YAH I need 2!  The 1st couple months I'll need a frame piece to help me with carrying 2 car seats so the Double Snap N Go has to go on the list! However I am trying to do some consignment shopping for it, so I can get it used.  I seriously will be done with it within 2-4 months!

After Strollers, CarSeats, and Cribs I needed a nap.  I'll go back to work on more later. Niki is going to help me figure a lot out. THANK GOD! Buy Buy Baby is one overwhelming place!

We're heading out to Arizona next week for a week! Should be nice. I'm looking forward to the change of pace. The 1st trimester was very groundhog day style for me.  Wake up, sick, tired, fight the sick, not wanna eat, but eat, eating crap because healthy food makes me gag, so did the crap though!!! Then going back to sleep. AHHHH the joys of the 1st trimester!  Seriously though, I started to feel guilty because I want to have the littles here so bad and this is part of the process!

Now I'm embracing 2nd trimester, starting to enjoy everything, getting excited for the upcoming months!  I love Fall, and the holidays are always great!!!

We're expected to be moved into our new home by November!  Thank God because I imagine with twins I might start nesting early on!!  Lord knows they're going to arrive early on!

Here's a picture of me- 14 wks right before I got my hair done! AHHH to be human again! Fresh Color, Fresh Cut! I feel MUCH better!!!

More updates to come on the Weise Twins growth soon!

Injection hormones out of whack!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to just warn those of you who have to take injections... holy mother do they make you eat and your mind spin.

I'm never FULL EVER which is INSANE! I am trying to mentally wrap my mind around eating my 5 small meals that I'm used to everyday. I took myself to the store to buy extremely healthy whole foods and am working to get rid of all the crap that was in my house this weekend!!! I usually dont keep much junk but this weekend was different as we had visitors in town, and I usually get laid back with company and eat whatever is around.

But the injections had my head spinning. You get super tired, forgetful, you cry at nothing, and EAT! GRRRRRRRR just what I want right?!?!

I am STOKED for when I can get back to fitness and shrink down. I'm super puffy/ swollen etc right now. I feel like a pregnant girl. Hopefully this will be a dream come true soon!

Injections are a whole new world of medicine but they get the job done!

I woke up super depressed, having had a nightmare that Hal hated me. Just what I need while going through this journey right?! I did get up nice and early but wanted to stay in bed and hide from everything. I could feel the depression cloud smothering me, but I am slightly aware that I am pumped with a TON of medicine right now and that it's going to pay off soon :) It's hard on this end FOR SURE.

I mean... here you are... no baby... no guarantee of a baby...and you are going through A LOT to 'try' for that baby... but nothing is guaranteed. And if you get that baby...then you have to see about getting through the SAFE ZONE! Which means no miscarriage. This is nothing but SUPER STRESSFUL. Your faith has to be SO STRONG that the plan is laid out and that a family IS part of it, regardless of how you wanted that plan to go. Because I sure wanted 1 baby at the least on the way by the time I turned 30 and here I am 6 months away from 31 with no baby in sight.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just meant for multiples? Perhaps. One and done? Sure! Boy & Girl? bring it on! Triplets is not success in the world of the infertility docs. So twins will do. But one is good as well.

I was an only child half of my life and HATED it. I wanted badly to not be the only one and eventually I collected some siblings along the way. I do have older siblings as well, I just did not grow up with them. So I want my children to have siblings...2 total at the least 3 at max. Unless God has another plan and I wind up with 4-5 !!! I bet Hal would be just STOKED haha!!!  But in all honestly- this is not how I expected life to play out. I've gotten pregnant before on my own just fine, so this has throw the biggest curveball ever at me.

I know they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.. but ummm I've fought a lot of obstacles in life and I'm ready to just rest and enjoy for a while...so this battle has thrown me so far off it's not even funny. In fact it's straight up sad. I do try my best to stay focused and stay positive. But these injections..whew!!!! Talk about a hormone hot mess I am right now. I'm probably best inside my house away from anyone else.

Now that I have healthy eats in the house I should be back under control here shortly with nutrition.

Mentally I like to exercise to keep sane... well all I can do right now is swim or walk. I'm waiting on whether we are moving or not here shortly to determine which pool I want to be connected to.

We found a house we love, it's very small though so there is a lot of concern there. I can't imagine having a family in this house, but we do love it. We shall see if it's what is meant to be.

If that is the case though- I will wait to get my pool pass from the Lombard pool rather than the Orland park pool.  Then I'll start swimming. I wonder if I can get my iPOD under water and still listen to it!??!?! Music helps me a TON!

What do you think tri-level home w/ finished basement-decent sized bedrooms and SMALL kitchen? OR one level home with big kitchen, big living room, decent bedrooms, and no basement? Both have 3 bedrooms... both have big back yards...

I'm trying to visualize a playroom, my office... etc  in the smaller house.... thoughts?! suggestions?! opinions?!

Big house is in the town we want to live in but on the wrong side of town, and little house is in a different town- close but not our town of choice. Of course little house is cheaper & very open... huge kitchen...  hmm decisions decisions

I also have a FULL workout room- weights, treadmill, elliptical, bars, bands etc etc Could I stash all of that plus playroom toys in a big living room with no other place to put it?!?!

Anyway- that's about it for now. Just dealing with crazy hormones, mentally, physically, and hopefully i'll get them under control soon.

Wish me luck that I'll have good news eventually.

The Chaos of the day

Today was scheduled for my HCG shot. I had to take it between 7-9AM.
Hal was suppose to give it to me. I had the directions, I had watched the video on how to give this shot. I had the medicine, the needles etc etc

Well Hal got called into work at 7AM so he was out to help me. His mom whom was visiting with us and a nurse was willing to help but she had left yesterday for vacation.

We asked our family friend to help- she's a nurse so we thought it'd be perfect!

I got up and left the house at 6:45AM so get to her house around 7:30 for my shot before she left for work.  I got to her house, rang the bell, came inside with my medicine, only to find out that the bottle of medicine had been broken. Here I was with 1.5 hours of time to take this shot and a broken bottle of medicine. NOW WHAT?

She told me to get to my doctor ASAP.

I called in the emergency line to get help for a new prescription. They sent me down another 30 minutes or so to pick up this prescription. I finally got my hands on new meds by 8:30AM and was out $200.00! When my original was covered 100% by insurance.

The doc asked that I come into the office for the shot now that I was strapped for time to get it done.

Did you ever realize how crazy infertility really is? it's all time sensitive- your body- your meds- your procedures- everything works around a specific time and NO you can't pick the time. Your body picks it.

You get calls DAILY in the afternoon after you have bloodwork done which is every other day- and they give you updates on how much medicine to take and at what time to take it.... talk about a '2nd job!'

So finally by 9am I got to the hospital where they helped give me the shot. I was told this was a FIRST! Never have any patients ever had a broken bottle of medicine!!!   I said hopefully this is the only fluke for this cycle!

I finally got home around 11am. So tired after nearly putting in 100 miles first thing this morning.  I did get frustrated and nearly cried to the answering service who couldn't figure out if this was an emergency or not. (IDIOTS)

I know I am pumped with a TON of hormones right now... so my moods are crazy. I'm super hungry. I'm puffier than ever. Everything is bloated out. it's great.

I can only hope that it pays off and soon!

Do you KNOW HOW HARD it is to be a FITNESS coach and be GROWING w/out a BABY inside?!?!?  IT BLOWS!!!! It SUCKS!!!

Learn from me- check all your meds when you are getting them shipped to your house from the special pharmacies. You just NEVER EVER KNOW!!!!

I pray all of this stress soon pays off and I get a healthy baby or 2.

Doctor Checks

I decided over the weekend I wanted to look into the credentials of the doctors I'm using :)

I never thought about where they've studied or their success stories so I figured I'd definitely look into this.

Here's what I found out:

1. Dr Roth- Loyola University & Rush University out of Chicago- BIG schools- GREAT educations!
2. Dr Levin- Pittsburgh, Northwestern, & UCLA!   More BIG schools & educations!

They both rated 4-4.5 out of 5!   Not to shabby!

Guess I have landed in the correct place for a reason.

I also found out today that my insurance covers what I'm going through 100%.  Talk about a blessing.

I am 1 round away from IVF, since switching doctors- Dr. Levin decided to try the injection/IUI round since it worked for him. He has twins. So does Dr. Roth. funny how I'm dealing with 2 docs who both have twins. hmmmmm

Anyway- please make sure you have GREAT health insurance. It's CRUCIAL for this kind of a situation.  I still can't get over the fact that it's 100% covered. Never have I experienced that!

So- I'm still doing shots until further notice.   Double dosed.

I find I'm super hot these days... I'm guessing the out of control hormones.

I work in the fitness business & naturally I should be fit & in shape but of course the injections cause you to bloat, be puffy, and gain weight. Sooo that is quite the fight. I have to remember this is temporary and a good thing to bring together a family. Then I can do all the fitness I want after :)

I do look forward to that day when I'm super fit & a mom of 2-3 !!! It'll be one awesome day!

I'm glad that I already have my own business in health & fitness that allows me to be able to stay home with my babies when they finally get here!

Want more info on working from home?  email me at lyndsiweise@comcast.net OR check out my website- www.lyndsiweisefitness.com   You can also find me on Facebook- www.facebook.com/lyndsi.weise

Mother's Day

I'm not gonna lie mothers day should be good, but it's kinda hard. It doesn't help that I'm in the midst of a detox and DYING for my everyday nutrition menu again.

Being on social media is hard a lot, it's tons and tons of happy pregnancy, baby picture, family picture posts and it's really hard. REALLY HARD. But who can blame everyone. I imagine I'd be doing the same thing if I was blessed to have a child.

The detox mixed with mothers day and infertility is NO BUENO!!!!

Hal and I talked a lot about what happens if I never have kids. I refuse to hear it. I refuse to even think that is the case. I fully believe I'm meant to have children in my life. I can't help but wonder if maybe God doesn't want me to have them... but I'm pretty sure he keeps his promises and he does.

Rough day. Not much else to say.

Good Night

HSG

Today has been REAL interesting.  Enough that I can write yet again!

I spoke about the HSG yesterday and never really explained what exactly it was.

So check it out  HSG

The doctor required it as does my insurance so lucky me. I get to have my own doctor do it. He requested I come to the hospital tomorrow for the procedure. I hear it's painful. I'm not excited. But I'll do what I have to, to have a family.

I was talking to the Verizon Wireless Rep and he wished me a Happy Mother's Day. NOT COOL! I understand the kindness but NOT COOL!  Thanks for that reminder!!!!  It's hard- I'd say it's best to not say anything at all. You never know what someone is going through and you can judge or assume.

It's a struggle like I've said,  I get a lot of people who tell ME first they are prego. It's like what do I have 'PLEASE TELL ME!!' plastered to my head?!?!

I understand that excitement for sure. I will be the SAME way when my day comes.  So I try to be happy and excited and ignore the fact that this is reality for me and IVF is waiting.

I told you yesterday that I cannot travel during these procedures because of blood flow, sitting too long, and all the monitoring. So the decision now is do I wait a month and travel or do I cancel my traveling?!

I want badly to be there for my team, for the pictures, and the memories. This is really difficult for me believe it or not.

With this disease you never know if a round is going to work or not. You never know if you're body is going to develop cysts that will scrap your round or if it will work.

I love being in the unknown. NOT!

I'm trying to enjoy this journey... really I am.

I was just thinking about how exercise has been cut from me yet I need to exercise. So I was thinking I could swim this summer. It's different, slow paced, or fast if I choose and I bet it wont affect my body! That's something to look forward to :)

Anyway- happy mothers day to those who are and those who are not keep pressing forward, one day it'll be for you too.

New Doctor

Today I met my new doctor. Well my IVF doc. I get my regular doctor back once I'm pregnant.

I think I already explained that the reason I switched my insurance was specifically to work with my current doctor. He was brand new to me and we knew it was going to be a lot of visits and treatments so we picked insurance to work with him.  Well when it was time for Injections/IVF he was told that insurance had sub-contracted out the IVF procedures to a different facility. It's not comfortable... but whatever.

So I met the new doc today after a CRAZY day.  I am doing the Ultimate Reset by Beachbody. It's a 21 day body detox, helps to remove the toxins, chemicals, crud, and fat in my body. PCOS is tied to toxins soooo perhaps this will help me! We shall see. Hal is doing it with me. Check it out Ultimate Reset

I made homemade dressing in the Magic Bullet for our salads today. When Hal poured his dressing serving he twisted the cap SO TIGHT that when I was trying to get mine out... I could not twist it back off for anything.  Detox & Medical Insurance can make a girl go crazy for real!!!  So after many attempts and my anger building up I finally broke the piece, and dressing ended up splattering all over my kitchen. I was NOT HAPPY.  On the detox you don't eat the everyday food. Now the food is great. It's a lot of salad so naturally the dressing is a big flavor you want and I dont want to cheat on this and eat a non-homemade dressing.  So I flipped out.  I understand part of this is the toxins releasing so release away!

I struggled with the insurance company as well today just learning about my benefits for IVF. Not gonna lie it might just be worth all this struggle and hassle because I am getting A LOT covered. I had read that this new doc requires payment in full before they treat you. But because of my insurance it should be all covered. So that's good to know.

This doctor is located in the hospital that I will eventually deliver at, whenever that day arrives. It was my first time at the hospital. Like I said we had switched out my old doctors and hospital for the new one who I now can't even work with. Super Annoying!

Parking at this place is a nightmare. I was in tears trying to park. I finally got into the docs office 30 minutes late. I got lost, I was so frustrated!!! But finally I got into meet this doc.

He showed me my options to move forward- but first they decided to do an HSG only to keep insurance from fighting anything. HMO is awesome for coverage but they tell you who you have to see. Hence my doc switch out of nowhere.

So tomorrow I'm supposed to get this done. I'm trying to go back to my reg doc to do it instead though so we shall see. I hear it's uncomfortable... so not looking forward to it!

From there we move to injections... sadly though I cannot travel with these procedures and I have  A LOT of traveling coming up.... I am torn on how to deal with this. Any input would be great! My traveling is for business but fun at the same time. So it's a toss up... because family is priority...so hard decisions.

This is my ultimate goal... do I wait or do I move forward?   Can't it just get easy already?! SERIOUSLY!!!!

Unexpected Updates

Let me start out by saying HEALTH INSURANCE SUCKS!

The day I was getting started with my round of Injections/IVF the doc called for pre-approval of everything by insurance.

Now lets talk about insurance.... I own my own business which basically tells you I dont have insurance. Small biz life!  It's bittersweet! I do love it though!

Hal put me on his insurance and to make it cost efficient as he does work for a small biz too. We had been on a flexible spending/savings because naturally we're young healthy people right?

HA!!!! Talk about a change!!!  Who ever knew this disease would come to me. Well I guess I've had it forever, but you know what I mean. I just found out about it at 29 yrs old practically 30. Scary huh?

Well when open enrollment took place we decided to go with the HMO plan... note to self... when you are not healthy... choose PPO.

Fast forward back to the day of insurance pre-approval before Injections began.  I got a call that my doctor could NOT do the procedures on me, that the insurance company had sub-contracted out all IVF/Injection procedures to a new facility. REALLY?

You mean to tell me the doctor that I specifically changed my insurance for CANT even treat me now?

We have been trying to fight it... but in the meantime I'm meeting the new doctor next week and I guess preparing for procedures with him.

I had to go in and get some paperwork/updated charts from my doc. The good news is he can treat me once I am successfully pregnant. So that is nice to know, and really I can't complain... i could not have insurance at all.

But COME ON!!! I switched JUST to have this doc. I lost all my other doctors. Can you imagine?! After going through cycle after cycle....

My doc wants to know everything going on so that is good to know.

Everything happens for a reason right?!  They say you're go through a super dark valley in life before the sun shines....  I am DEF in that valley. Been here too long....I hope the sun will shine soon.

In the meantime I am doing a Detox. It's a 21 day Vegetarian moved into Vegan style. Lots of great clean whole foods in it. You never go hungry! But it helps to release the toxins and chemicals... and there have been a couple studies that toxins and chemicals are part of PCOS...so.. what would it hurt?! After all I did lose this cycle round. Might as well!  Hal is doing it with me. There have been amazing results on it! Lowered Cholesterol, weight loss, even cellulite removal!!! It's from all the toxins! The pollution in the air, the detergent in our laundry, processed foods etc!   All the toxins who happily stay put in our bodies! I am stoked for my results and shockingly the food tastes amazing!  You can't really exercise on this so that's good considering I got the restraint! check it out! www.myultimatereset.com/fitnessfourlife

So my patience needs to be high, the wait for this is going to seem like forever, although May is a super busy month... when you go through infertility it's like being a kid waiting for your birthday. No Joke.

That's all for now! Good Night!

Etiquette- Do's & Don'ts & a look inside PCOS emotions

Here is some thoughts to read on if you THINK you understand Infertility but YOU DONT suffer from it!

Infertility Etiquette

Read and DO!

And please next time you judge that fat girl laced with acne on her face, hair falling out, and if you get close enough to see facial hair WATCH yourself- Those are ALL part of this NASTY disease that THEY CANNOT HELP!!!   It's all in the hormone mix!

do you want to understand what a girl with PCOS deals with?! Do you want to see how painful it is?

Watch this.....  copy & paste the link!

http://youtu.be/rM4nIYvZ7sU

This is exactly what its like.... a roller coaster that we can only one day hope ends happy & soon!


That's all for today!

Exciting News Gives Hope!

Well I thought I'd be writing about this TOMORROW but since they decided to release their news early I am SO excited to write that Giuliana and Bill Rancic are having a baby!!!!!

I have been watching these guys for YEARS!!! I have prayed for them like crazy!!!! I know exactly what they are going through- but not ALL of it-cancer was quite the curveball she was thrown. Scary stuff!!!

I am soooo happy to hear their good news that the are FINALLY having a baby!!!! They are having one through a gestational carrier, because Giuliana is unable to hold a baby, take on the fertility medicine with having just gotten rid of cancer.

Check out People.com, or twitter for all the deets- the video of when they got the news!!!!  They have a little one due here in late summer.

So lets see... this leaves me still left but this also gives me hope... since IVF is up next and if that fails, I guess I do have another option :)  Crazy as it may be... we shall see what the future holds for us.

It also happens to be infertility awareness week- crazy timing right?!?! I read this article today:

http://fitbottomedmamas.com/2012/04/lets-talk-about-the-hard-stuff-national-infertility-awareness-week/

Still can't believe I'm on of these people. I wake up somedays thinking... it's a joke right?! This isn't really happening right?!?!

But here's the thing... if you know me- I am a PROACTIVE-GO GETTER!!! I dont own my own successful business for NOTHING!!! I WORK HARD, I walk through FIRES like none other. I've walked through MANY so far. The curveballs I've been thrown have been unreal, but I've also been blessed with a pretty awesome life if I must say so :)  Can't complain!!! Just wanna have some littles to join this world and complete it!!!  That being said- I think we ALL know I will likely walk through whatever FIRE i have to to get them here...  Is Hal reading this?! ha!!! He wants some littles too- so I'm gonna speak for him and say he's on board with me!

We will get there... we may have to fight and walk through a lot of fire. But we will not let this disease own us. I wont anyway...  I'm going to have negative days... it is what it is- rollercoaster- no getting around that.  So I will have my days- but I likely wont stop- I wont stop till I'm dead. I'm pretty sure of it.

I hope Hal is ready :)  He's worked hard all his life and now he's experiencing a crazy journey in life with the cards we've been handed.   Makes you appreciate your kids A WHOLE LOT MORE!

Those of you who have them- take care of them, don't abuse them, don't take advantage of them, they are a blessing and deserve the best.  Dont EVER look at them like they invaded your time, your life etc  I have had to work SO hard to get some, and still dont have any. Know how blessed you are to be naturally given one, two, three or however many you have.

That is all for today.

Round 5, Exercise & MULTIPLES?!??!

We are starting a fresh new week! I am stoked to see what happens with the Rancic family this week! I hope good baby news!!!

Moving onto Round 5!

Yet again the doc was NOT happy with Femara/Letrozole.... and well I think round 5, perhaps this is round 6. Who knows I lost count.  Have I discussed Clomid yet?!

Okay let me sum it up!

So Dr Roth was NOT happy with the last round of 7.5 mg of Letrozole/Femara. It was my first IUI experience- which mind you I paid CASH for. You can't always get the procedure covered- you need a certain amount of good ovulation rounds and well lets face it- I RARELY get a good round.... my progesterone level came back at 4.5- honestly? What is the deal ? Why oh why is this happening to me!!!  He officially took me off Letrozole/Femara and moved me to Clomid- the high dose too! 150mg right away!!! It was bigger pills, and more!

We started the monitoring... the follicles... which are what are forced to grow- because without a mature follicle, the egg will be too small and if it releases- which it should-but with PCOS it doesn't always (enter in HCG shot). OF COURSE growth DID NOT happen. Why would it?!?!

So I went in on CD 14 it was Monday- I had just started Les Mills Pump the workout program! I was STOKED! I had graduated P90X that Friday before and now I was onto the next program. I had leaned out and felt great in this process. Honestly sweat is all I can do to keep me sane!!! It helps a TON!

I got my results that nothing was happening- the follicles were not growing... I sat in his office listening to his voice not happy about what he was seeing in the ultrasound shots and I was thinking ... dear lord why... so he looked up and said yeah... your body is not responding.  Okay doc so injections with IUI are next right?  (thinking in my mind this is what I'm going to hear....)   Dr. Roth looks up and says next up will be injections with IVF.  'Excuse me?! what?!' I nearly fell out of my chair- did I just hear him, did he just say IVF?!?! He meant IUI right?! It's Monday- we're tired. I get it. 'You meant IUI right?'
'No InVITRO Fertilization!'  'Are you okay w/ injection medicine?''  ummmm do I have a choice?

Seriously?!?!?! Am I SERIOUSLY at IN VITRO FERTILIZATION!?!?!??!

Is this REALLY HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!??!?!  

So I said 'perhaps my exercise is the reason this is failing...'  'Well what exactly do you do when you exercise?' he asked... 'Um I just graduated P90X.'  WHAT!!!!  He said no more exercise!!! I thought you were going to the gym and just doing some stuff...  'um EXCUSE me I'm a fitness coach...what do you think I am doing?!?!' HELLO!!! He totally knows what I do!!! So I am on exercise hault- I get 3X a week 30 min cardio... dear lord in heaven please oh PLEASE!!! I want my Turbo back!!! At least!!! I wanted to do PUMP so bad!!! I just wanna sweat!!!!! I miss weight lifting, I miss it all- hard as it is!!! I MISS IT!!!!

Okay I believe God has a plan and everything happens for a reason. I believe God answers EVERY prayer you ask of him... he wants the best for us all. Whatever your heart desires, he fufills.... SOOOOOO God what is GOING ON!?!?!??!

Yep... here we are IVF. Coming up on deck next!  The doc scrapped the rest of this cycle and is waiting for me to get a period to start fresh and do IVF.  Plus limited exercise :(
Perhaps God wants me to have more than 1 baby at once? Twins? Triplets? eeek that is something else!

I do not know what the plan for me is. I really dont. I wish I could read some book or see a video that shows me this part of my future.  This is super painful... it really is.

Nobody understands unless they have been in my shoes. Even Hal doesn't understand- he feels it- but he's not there with me for all the appointments. He is feeling it for sure.... he wants 2 babies so bad, 2 healthy babies- honestly boys if he could have it his way... That's all we ask- just 2 healthy babies please. is that too much to ask?  did we do something wrong in our life to get in this position? As if we have thousands of dollars on hand to afford these constant treatments.

Well here's to a successful IVF coming up!  I obviously will keep you posted as it begins! I believe 1st week in May we start. Exciting, Scary, all in one!

I pray nobody deals with this kind of pain EVER.

Round 4 Begins

Going through this journey is like riding a roller coaster. There is ups there is downs there is that part where you are waiting to get off and sitting still, waiting for your protective chest piece to lift up with the machine so you can be free and move onto to the next step. I think waiting is probably the HARDEST part- and not knowing. Like if you ride some roller coasters you go through pitch black tunnels and have no clue if you're going upside down, on the side, straight, straight down in a big dip, maybe even a steep dip. It's pitch black so you're clueless as to when and what is up next.

That pretty much describes infertility. You have NO CLUE. Even doctor's can't figure it all out. We are a big puzzle they are trying to put the pieces together on.

Generally in this situation it starts with using Clomid, the old fashioned medicine most start at 50MG and go up to 150MG and go 3-6 rounds of trying with the medicine. Then normally you move to Letrozole/Femara 2.5mg, 5 mg, and 7.5mg 3 rounds, IUI comes into play with these meds (more on that later) if all of this fails you go to injectables (YAY more NEEDLES!!!) and the KING of all treatments IVF! InVitroFertilization! Bring on the twins or triplets! Do you remember Kate plus 8?! YUP! Sextuplets is right! YIKES!

So ladies on this infertility journey- do you ever question why God chose YOU for this journey? Why he wants YOU to be the STRONG one?! Because honestly that is what YOU ARE. We are SO STRONG for going on this ride in life.

It's hard because, it's all mechnical- it's not fun- it's not how a normal couple 'makes' a baby. Ya know? It turns into chemistry, literally!!!

It REALLY is a miracle to have a baby. Those of you who can NATURALLY pull it off, and dont even think TWICE... I hope you APPRECIATE your babies MORE THAN LIFE and give them the world!

I have to work EXTREMELY HARD, be VERY PATIENT & STRONG to have my babies- if I even get to ever have them. I'm sorry to say I do not have an end to this journey as of yet... I'm still on the Rollercoaster riding & waiting & riding & waiting.... it's NOT EASY!

So Round 4 began and it was 7.5 mg Letrozole (Femara) All the monitoring and bloodwork was coming back with AMAZING results... my body was responding like it should and all my tests were coming back with great numbers. We go to the progesterone test and it came back 9.5!!! I was STOKED. My hopes were SO HIGH! I had Hal go with me to the pregnancy test appointment, because in case it was a positive we wanted to go celebrate at dinner. So we go to the appointment and sure enough ... negative was the result. I think I was SO angry... in fact I KNOW IT. I was so upset. I could barely check out of the appointment. I ran out the door, go in my car and drove home in tears. Basically leaving Hal hanging... i mean he knew I was upset and we were in separate cars.

I was done. I was over it. I was spent. I was fuming. I was ready to punch out anyone or anything that got in my way. I got home that day and got an invite to a baby shower... talk about TIMING. How do I go to a baby shower, celebrating, being happy... when deep down I am dying inside and struggling? Isn't that unfair to the mother to be? I would think so. In fact I do think so. Many would say I am jealous... I guess that could be it. I dont know. I dont know if jealous is the right word. Because my anger isn't directed at those who get this part of life EASY. That's not it. It's more of a battle with God I think. After all he's the one who creates these miracle blessings. No matter the feelings- when you are getting pumped with hormones and ughh I can't even describe it all... its just bad and sometimes you're better off just in your house away from it all.

I'm a fitness coach- that is my job. I LOVE to motivate others, I LOVE helping others get health and fit- in shape-lose weight you name it. I'm also a business builder. I help others grow their businesses. It's not easy when one part of your life you want SO BADLY to work out keeps standing still. Perhaps it's the time I'm meant for right now, so I do try my best to continue to be positive and motivating and the REAL Lyndsi that I am. That is why I am blogging because it helps me get through the rough patches. Life isn't perfect! I think we ALL know this!

Ready to hear about Round 5?! Bring it on!