Mental Exhaustion

Okay so this is mentally exhausting... have I told you guys this yet?!

I mean straight up MENTAL EXHAUSTION!

One minute I'm in dream world thinking of this family I will have...the next I am reminded of this disease and how I may never have a family.

The truth is all I can do is continue to fight everyday to get there.

Lots of mental exhaustion, tears... and there are happy moments while going through this journey.

I read the article about the young girl who drove off with her baby on top of her car because she 'forgot' and I truly just shake my head at how this world operates.

Its such a shame that so many people want to have a family and would be amazing parents, and yet idiots are super fertile.  Truly blows my mind.

I try to think that God does have a plan and that plan is slowly coming together.

I have no control that is for sure. I just follow the doctors orders... and most of you know a lot of those orders are currently against all the things I love to do.... fitness, travel, my body that was getting in shape, living on my own schedule....

With infertility you live on the schedule of your body & your doctor's office.

You have to go in probably 2-4X a week for monitoring, then wait for the phone call in the afternoon to update you on how much medicine you need...yep this means you even go in on Sundays, Holidays...etc

The medicine blows you up, like puffy, bloat, serious-fast weight gain. Not a thing you can do about it. It just happens..part of this process. I know I've said this before- but seriously this is like something I work SUPER HARD at as it is. Fighting to keep weight off...

No Exercise except walking/limited swimming... do you know how hard I worked to build muscle?! The cardio endurance I have?!?! I will likely have to re-do it all, re-build, re-lose the weight.

This is A LOT of mental exhaustion... to know your body is going backwards from where you worked so hard to get it... your schedule is all out of whack, you never ever know if you can do anything because of doc appointments, monitoring, meds etc etc  The timing is crucial, so everything goes on hold.

I travel a lot for my job... happily travel to events. I'm lucky I got to the Bahamas. I'm suppose to be in in Las Vegas on the 20th... currently I cannot go. I'm waiting to see if I might be able to go... but again... any NORMAL person who can easily have a family- this wouldn't be an issue whatsoever....they'd just get on the plane and go. But when you're dealing with infertility and this kind of medicine it's not safe to travel.

Last night I large pain struck my left side that keeps twingeing and pinching...and of course it's messing with my head like...what the!??! I am at risk for ovarian twisting &/or ruptures so I am EXTREMELY cautious about everything. But something struck bad last night, it was painful... but I tolerated enough that I knew it can't be anything too harmful. I believe a lot of this pain comes naturally with this medicine and the procedures. I understand that if I were to rupture/twist an ovary I'd be in so much pain, I'd be vomiting. But still.... alllllllll these risks!!! All this & if I make a wrong move, or fall etc  Out could go an ovary :(    Ridiculous isn't it?

And to top it all off, nothing is guaranteed.... no baby is guaranteed out of this. Talk about mental exhaustion.

God only knows if a baby will come, or 2 or 3... and God only knows when.  All I can do is try hard to keep my patience, trust, hope going strong.

Did I mention the pain you go through with these meds? Not fun... there is a lot of discomfort, therefore, wearing jeans is OUT right now. I try to stay as comfy as I can. My stomach is all puffy as it is, so dresses that flow are pretty much what I want to wear or hide in PJ's at home.

Most of my friends and family have children now... it's a very isolating situation to be in. It's hard to attend events, and I realize I can suck it up and deal... but it's hard. I'd rather just not be there, than be there in the corner crying...or fighting so hard to hold back my tears.  I've sucked it up at a couple events...and finally decided for me mentally it's best I just stay away.
To those friends who read this, hopefully you understand and I apologize if this seems selfish.  I know everyone has a lot of hope and faith for me that this WILL happen. It's easy to be an outsider and feel that strong. Lord knows I feel that way about my business and my team's growth- I tell them everyday they will grow and their business will flourish- IT WILL HAPPEN- as long as they take action on the job.

That's all I can do, is take action, continue to take meds, continue to trust, hope and have faith that I can bring a couple healthy babies into this world.  But god really only knows if that will ever happen and it is truly mentally exhausting.

I pray no one has to go through this journey.